I just wanted to send out an alert to all brains, geeks and nerds in the vicinity of Dolley Madison Middle School. There is a confirmed bully sighting near the soccer field bleachers. I repeat — CONFIRMED SIGHTING! Evasive maneuvers advised. Remember, bullies often hunt in packs so let’s be careful out there. Use the buddy system. Then, while they’re whaling on your buddy, you can safely stuff yourself inside your locker. (Note: In order for the system to work, you must be faster than your buddy.)
This is not a drill, people. Leave early, take alternate routes and, if all else fails, toss your lunch money in the air as a diversion. The underpants you save may be your own.